search for your light
by AnnabethGinevraJacksonPotter
Summary: Darkness. Anger. Sadness. The suffering never seems to end. The nightmares don't stop. They keep coming. But he holds it in. He keeps to himself. Sometimes the darkness wins. But only if you let it. Light Percabeth and Jercy friendship. Post-Tartarus. One shot. Trigger warning. Themes of depression and PTSD.


**Darkness. Anger. Sadness. The suffering never seems to end. The nightmares don't stop. They keep coming. But he holds it in. He keeps to himself. Sometimes the darkness wins. But only if you let it. Light Percabeth and Jercy friendship. Post-Tartarus. Trigger warning.**

 **There's a bit of a long author's note at the bottom, but I think that it's very important to check out, so read that at the end if possible. Love you all, enjoy.**

 **Trigger Warning: Themes of Depression, PTSD, and slight anxiety. Read at your own risk.**

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 **Disclaimer:** I do not own any character, product, or service referred to in the below piece.

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 _It's okay to not be okay_

 _To dive in your pain_

 _And it's alright to not be alright_

 _To search for your light_

 _And it's all good to not be all good_

 _To feel like you shouldn't feel any better_

Kehlani, "24/7"

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He tries. Every day, he suffers. The memories are ingrained in his mind, playing back like a broken record. They don't stop. They won't stop. He doesn't let himself shut his eyes. The second he does, they come again. He holds in his screams. He hides his pain. He pretends like it doesn't exist. He never lets his guard down. There's nothing he wouldn't do to mask his suffering.

He wants to shout. He wants to scream and yelp in pain. He _needs_ an outlet for his emotions. But _none_ of his wants are above her pain. She's the reason for his survival. Annabeth is his mortal anchor. He would go to the ends of the Earth to protect her. Hell, he's been to the depths of Tartarus to stay by her side. And he would do it again. His nightmares are trivial compared to hers. Her screams ring through the cabins on the Argo II. He hears her shooing away Arachne. He hears her wailing in agony as the Arai curse her nightly. Over. And over. And over. Night by night. Day by day.

He wants to be there for her. He wants to fight every monster, every god, every mortal. If it means she'll be happy and safe. But he knows he can't fight her battles, no matter how much he wishes he could. There isn't a moment where he isn't worried about her wellbeing, her safety.

He will stay strong for her. She's recovering. His fears will only hold her down. So he stays quiet. He holds her as she calls for him. And when she asks if he's okay, he simply nods and turns to face the ceiling, ready for another sleepless night.

Sometimes, it's anger. He screams and shouts. He yells for no apparent reason. It gets to be destructive. He throws things. He breaks things. He's violent. But he controls it whenever he is in sight of anyone else. No one else deserves this pain. Only he does. He has hurt people. He left her. It wasn't his fault. But he didn't fight back. And he should have. The anger is concealed. But thinly. And if it gets out, it could be dangerous. _He_ could be dangerous.

Then, it happens. It all comes out. He can't hold it in anymore. It had been a slow day. They had just been sailing, and the crew retires to their cabins early, with the exception of Jason, who was on guard duty. Percy returns to his room, takes a seat as his desk, and begins to sketch. It reminds him of his mother, of Paul, of their New York apartment. It reminds him of happier times. When he wasn't sailing towards his inevitable death and destruction.

Sally used to paint a lot to let out her emotional frustration when she was married to Gabe. She slowly stopped, but when feeling stressed, she would often take up the hobby again. Percy found that art was his creative and emotional outlet and used it to suppress the screams that wanted to escape his throat.

His pencil flies on the paper, and he's unable to stop. The gray marks fill up the white sheet, painting a portrait of the night sky. Percy slips the thin sheet into a folder and pulls out another one. Without any control over his movements, his hand begins to glide across the paper. The shades form a familiar setting. One that haunts him day and night. It follows him around like a dark shadow. It was the pit.

Darkness is all he sees. A ledge. The sole savior. The only place to hold on to. Surrounded by darkness. By black. A whole like no other. No place to go. Just falling. An endless descent. The air is sucked out of his lungs. The color leaves his face. He keeps falling. A bottomless pit. Slowly descending into hell. Into chaos and darkness. No more light. No more sun. No more color. Just black. And she isn't there by his side. She isn't there for him to hold onto. She has to fight it alone. And so does he.

Tartarus takes its shape, a more realistic drawing than ever seen before. It brings memories, nightmares, unwanted emotions, and a sense of dread. Percy knows what's coming next. Tears fill his eyes to the brim, and begin to trickle down his face. A lone drop falls onto the paper. Soon enough, the entire page is soaking wet. Full out sobs can be heard through the room. Percy can't control himself. It's been pent up too long. He lets himself cry, weep, sob. The incessant tears show no sign of stopping.

The sadness, the emptiness, the overwhelming sense of loss. It overcomes him. Grief, depression, anger, sadness. There is no control over something that controls you. He can't move. Tears swell and fall, each droplet bringing immense emotion with it. How does a person fight that feeling? The hollowness in their bones. The pit in their stomach. The anger in their veins. Percy's hands go to his face as he begins to wipe away the tears. No matter how hard he tries, they don't stop. The tears keep falling.

But the sound of footsteps is enough to bring the sobs to an end. Percy regains his composure and leans back onto his chair, pretending to look at the schedule for the upcoming week that Piper had created. The door creaks and a head peeks through. Jason sees Percy in his chair and slowly walks up.

"Percy, it's your shift-," Jason's words come to a halt as his head tilts downwards. A swollen-faced Percy can be seen. His eyes are red and tear streaks mark his cheeks. The son of Jupiter sits down on the bed next to his friend.

"Percy, what's wrong."

"It's nothing. Just another nightmare. I'll be fine."

"How often does this happen?"

"Nearly every night. And during the day as well."

"Why do you hide it? Why don't you let us help you?" he asks, urging answers.

"I do it to protect you. To protect Annabeth. What kind of half-assed hero of Olympus would I be if I sat and cried in front of people who look up to me? All of us have nightmares. Why should I showcase mine?"

"Perseus Jackson. What the rest of us have gone through is nothing compared to your and Annabeth's struggles. You have survived the literal depths of hell. I understand that you want to protect Annabeth, but do you really think you're doing that? She's worried sick about you every day. You've closed yourself off. You've become distant. You think letting your guard down is going to harm us? You think we'll see you as any less of a human being because you cry? Because you have nightmares? Because you've suffered?"

Percy sits in silence. He thinks of Jason's words. He wonders if he really has shut out those who he loves. Yet, one thought remains in his head.

"Jason? How do I do it? How do I make this easier?" Percy questions, unsure of himself.

"You ask for help. You open up to us. You talk to us. Percy, we're all here for you. No matter what happens, we're a family. We've got problems, but we're always there for each other."

Percy nods and collapses back onto his bed. A fit of sobs run through him and Jason sits there, watching. The episode ends soon, but that doesn't send off the Roman demigod. Jason stays till the end.

"Percy, you stay here and relax. I'm sure that Leo or Frank can cover your guard shift. Tomorrow, I want you to spend some more time with Annabeth. Talk to her. Cry with her. Just be with her, okay? Make sure you take care of yourself."

Percy thanks his cousin for his advice and waves a small goodbye.

So often he put the suffering of others before himself. So often he let himself take the blame. There is so much love in his heart. He needs to let himself breathe. Let himself take a moment to let that pain, that pressure, that anger out. People are hurting. People are suffering. So often he sees others die, go insane, lose control. He can't let it happen to him.

But being vulnerable shouldn't have to be shameful. It is human. It is natural. Traumatic experiences are terrible. But they cannot be dealt with by holding in all the pain. When surrounded by loved ones, sharing is of utmost importance. Everyone has their demons. Some more than others. It becomes easier to live through such experiences if there is someone there to talk to, someone there to share these experiences with.

From then on out, he began sharing. He began laughing more. Smiling more. Openly crying more. It wasn't a curse to be surrounded by loved ones. It was a blessing. At first, everyone walked on eggshells. But soon, things began to return to their original state. The family dynamic came back. The anger subsided. Percy and Annabeth grew even closer.

Love. Love was the key to misery. The key to hurt and trouble. Solidarity only hurts more. When there are people to love, there is a reason to keep going. A reason to keep trying. A reason to keep loving.

Annabeth began to share more as well. She eventually moved into Percy's room so they could deal with their troubles together. It was hard, being open and understanding. The stress occasionally got to be too much. But at the end of the day, they were a family. And they were always there for each other, no matter the circumstance.

Percy no longer sat in his room alone at night. He joined in on conversations and was always there for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He joked around with Leo and got into loud, but light-hearted fights with Piper. They stood together. They loved one another. And they got through it with each other.

The path ahead was a difficult one. There was no doubt. But with the help of those around him, his friends, his family, he would make it out alive. The nightmares may not end. The struggling may not cease. But he would be okay. They would be okay. He'd have to work at it, but there was hope for the future.

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 **This is gonna be a long one, so buckle up.**

 **Lately, we've seen a surge in activism. In the spirit of that, this story is a message about vulnerability. If you are struggling with depression or PTSD of some sort, please seek health. Mental health is just like physical health. If you break your foot, you would see a doctor. Mental health should be taken as seriously, if not more seriously, than physical health. Being vulnerable and open is not something to be ashamed of. Holding emotions in can only lead to an uncontrolled release of them, and this can be harmful. Surround yourself with loved ones. It's always easier to deal with the aftermath of a traumatic experience when you have family and friends there to help you through it. There are so many people in the world, and while it may be easy to just assume the worst of humanity, there are so, so, so many people out there who love you and care for you. You may not know it.**

 **I don't want to stereotype or make this a gender thing of any sort, but it should be addressed. Women are generally looked at as more emotional, or more sensitive. Because of this, the concept of men showing emotion has become something that people have laughed at. But it isn't a laughing matter. A message to men everywhere: it's okay to be vulnerable. Showing emotion, being open, it isn't something to hide. Sharing feelings doesn't hurt masculinity in any way. I wanted to particularly depict that in this story. I personally know many people who aren't necessary the greatest at sharing. It's partially fear and partially shame. There is no need to feel that way.**

 **This world is not always the friendliest place. But if we share, if we spread kindness and love, we can make it more hospitable. Hiding behind a computer screen and being able to disguise your identity may seem like an easy way to target people, but take this opportunity and this amazing technology to help others, and help yourself. Any platform you get should be used to do good.**

 **I've often seen Percy characterized as goofy or oblivious, but I felt that portraying him as sensitive and hurt would fare better in today's climate.**

 **On a less serious note, I recently posted a new soulmate AU one shot called "like graffiti, can't ignore it" on my page. Go check it out!**

 **As always, I'm here to help and I'm here to talk. I love you all, and let's spread some more kindness in this world.**

 **Love,**

 **-AnnabethGinevraJacksonPotter**


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